Crushed

Generally in life, I am an optimist. So much so that I know for a fact some people find me annoying. They’ve said so. I can generally find the good in people and situations and not get terribly ruffled.

Not today. Today I want to quit. I’m sick of getting cut and poked and medicated. I’m tired of being in pain. The toll it’s taking on my family is brutal at the moment and I want to be on my feet, doing my job and living my old, normal life. And chemo hasn’t even started yet.

Today, the enemy is winning. He’s attacking full-force and grabbing us all. The only way we can win is to stand firm in the knowledge that God is bigger. Surrender to Him is the answer, again. I’m too exhausted to fight, so I must trust in Him to fight for me. And for my family.

Psalm 34:18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Insult to Injury

I’ve been having a temper tantrum. It hasn’t been yelling and throwing things; it’s been a bad attitude and quiet rebellion within my own head. Most people in my house probably aren’t even aware, but I’d bet more people are aware than I would like to think. Rebellion is like that. It seeps through the cracks and poisons people on the periphery, even while it destroys the person who is choosing it.

What’s upsetting me is a small thing, really, but it has served as a tool to show where my heart really is. It’s exposing holes in my surrender.

You see, I picked up my CPAP machine yesterday. As I sat listening to the lady instructing me on function and cleaning, I got more and more discouraged. The machine itself is really an amazing piece of technology, and the lady was very kind. I know this will improve my quality of day-to-day life. I recognize the blessing that it is. I am grateful. But it feels like Just. One. More. Thing.

I have made my peace with asthma and heart issues. I have surrendered myself to all that breast cancer is putting on my plate. But this–this feels like insult added to injury.

Some would say I have a right to be angry about all that God has allowed in the life of my family over the last year. I certainly have that choice. But the moment I allowed myself to go there yesterday, I felt peace leave. I felt Peace leave. Peace and anger cannot coincide. they are polar opposites and make impossible roommates.

So, today I am at a crossroads. I can choose frustration and self pity and storm around my house ruining everyone’s day (which honestly, sometimes feels really good–share the wealth–if I’m miserable, you will be too) or I can repent of my bad attitude, my rebellion, my self-indulgence and once again surrender. I know if I choose the former, it will be a slippery slope, and all hell could break loose in my home, literally. If I choose the latter, Peace will return and settle in.

I am choosing surrender. May God’s will be done in and through me. Because you see, peace isn’t so different from rebellion in how it behaves. It, too, seeps through the cracks and affects all those around. It, too, changes and affects the attitudes and the air around my home. But unlike anger and rebellion, Peace makes a wonderful roommate.

Today is a new day. Bring it on, Life. God’s got this.