Halfway

I’m halfway through with active treatment. I have had one surgery and six chemo treatments. Six treatments and one surgery remain. There will be additional infusions and medications for the next several years, but those shouldn’t hamper life much and will be more inconvenient than anything else.

This is a glass half full/glass half empty situation. I’m so glad to be done with the major mastectomy and recovery. I’m grateful that I’ve made it through half of the chemo without any major issues or complications. But.

Once again, there is a fork in the road, and I am standing looking down both paths. Some days, I gravitate toward the road of discontent, griping and feeling sorry for myself that the road ahead is still long and still hard and I still don’t want to go there. Other days, I rise above and see that this is the path God has ordained, and I put my head down and forge ahead, asking for grace and peace as I go.

Every day, and sometimes more than once a day, I stand at this fork. I’m often not aware that I am there–I simply make my choice and walk. When I choose wisely, my day goes well. Even if I feel lousy, there are blessings along the way, and I see them. I am open to and tuned in to the good things around me. When my choice is poor, I am blind to these things and find myself stumbling and struggling as I go.

Because I am the mom, the tone of the journey my family travels is largely reliant on me. My choice of path affects my traveling companions as well as myself. I am the trail guide, and my attitude and demeanor will change how they feel about the road we are traveling. I can forge ahead with anticipation and adventure, embracing the rocky and treacherous parts with an air of challenge. I can instead travel slowly and stubbornly, grumbling my way through each twist and turn, and cowering with fear at every shadowy place. Or, I can refuse to travel altogether, sitting stagnant and dying in the path.

I pray they learn to choose wisely.