Dark

I’m up another three pounds. I watched my food intake. I drank water. I was as active as I could be–maybe more than was wise. Still gaining. I’m told this is just how it will be until treatment is done. Every medication I’m on gives weight gain as a side effect.

Increase Lasix. Wear compression stockings. Exercise. Put your feet up. Watch your sodium intake.

God is allowing me into dark territory. I honestly don’t know why weight is such a struggle for me–most of what is happening now isn’t my fault. I also don’t know why He calls me to walk this path into one of my darkest places.

From what I know of Him, there is great purpose in this part of my journey. If I can remain surrendered and walk willingly, there will be freedom at the end of this road. My God does all things well, and does not delight in my struggle. He does not allow things that will not bring grace and peace and freedom–eventually.

Life is a refining process, and this is part of my process. In my humanness, I’d like to believe that I will break through the other side and end up more like Christ–and skinny. But maybe there is a more important outcome. Maybe what happens in my heart is the issue, not the numbers on the scale.

For all the years I have struggled with weight issues, dieting, not dieting, complete and utter frustration and rebellion, tearful seeking of God’s purpose and freedom, I have never reached a moment of rest, peace, and contentment with my body.

Sometimes I think it just isn’t a big deal–half of America is overweight. Every church function involves food. Christians are overweight just like everyone else. Does weight really matter? Am I just vain?

Then the pendulum swings the other way and I think it’s a matter of my own self-control, or lack thereof. I think that I need to be thin and fit in order to truly represent and glorify God.

I hate this. All of it. And yet, here I am. So the choice I have is this: do I rest and “let God work it out,” or is that the easy way and I need to be putting my head down and counting calories, time on the elliptical, etc even while my body is fighting cancer and its treatment? I just don’t know.

Please see my heart. I am not railing against my Creator or sitting in the depths of despair. But I am frustrated and confused. And so, I’ll start there. . . acknowledging my feelings and laying them down before the Lord, who will bear them for me.

Step by step, ounce by ounce, I’ll keep walking.