My best stress reliever is soaking in the tub. It’s also sometimes the only way I can warm up if I get chilled. Suffice to say, when we remodeled our bathroom, I chose the tub, and I chose carefully.
Friday and Saturday are proving to be emotional days for me, so this morning I needed a soak. Sadly, because this is an emotional day, what started as relaxation turned to internal struggle about body image.
Body image has always been an issue for me. Let’s face it–we live in America, and body image is big business. Everyone struggles, especially women. And even though I know that “beauty is in the eye of the beholder,” “true beauty comes from within,” etc, sometimes what I hear when people say those things is “blah, blah, blah.” Besides, from where I stand, it’s generally the skinny and pretty people saying them.
Since I already struggle with body image, it’s one area in which cancer has hit me hard. Between the weight gain, surgery, and hair loss, my body feels pretty war-torn. And if I struggle to find anything attractive about my physical appearance, what must my husband of nearly 24 years think? This is not the girl he married.
I know, I know. He loves me for more important reasons than what I look like. He has far more depth than that and I know he loves me in ways that amaze me daily. These truths make it even more important to me to be as attractive as I can be. He deserves to have the best “me” he can have. I don’t think that’s vanity–I think it’s an honest desire to honor my husband. And so, I struggle. I also struggle simply because I am a typical human, bound up in vanity and pride.
I expect that this is yet another training ground for me–another place of being stretched. I have ideas of what lessons I am supposed to learn, but I also think I’ll be surprised. I wonder if part of it has to do with truly trusting Larry and his level of commitment to me, irregardless of anything physical.
Class is in session, and whatever it is that God wants to do, I am willing. I may just have to find another way to de-stress for now.