It was a small parenting matter, but it unleashed a bunch of hard emotions. The girls are tired of doing all that I would normally do, and attitudes are showing it. I can’t blame them. They are having to step up in ways that really aren’t fair.
The last year, cancer not included, has been so difficult. There have been so many things I have had to physically give up–so many things that called for surrender, in every sense of the word.
Now, we are rehoming our pet birds. This was my daughter’s decision, and given our situation, I wholly support it. However, Corky has been my little buddy, and it’s yet another thing I have to give up.
Understand me here: I am not looking for pity or attention. I’m just being real about where today has me. When you take all that has gone on in the last year, and add the emotional giant that is cancer, it’s not easy. Sometimes the littlest thing just sets me off and all the feelings and struggles flood in and threaten to overtake. I believe this is all part of the grief cycle. After a period of strength, God allows a little bit of raw feeling and works me through it. It’s an arduous and painful part of this road I’m walking.
The hardest part is that because a parenting issue triggered me, my girls now think I’m weeping because they have messed up. This triggers their own grief and nobody knows quite what to do. I hate this for them, and yet I know God is using my situation for their growth and good, too.
Cancer (and I’m sure many other illnesses) wreak havoc on families. It’s uncharted territory for everyone involved and each person has his or her unique view of the situation and its impact. On good days, we cling to one another and work together. When bad days come, we scatter and process separately, often with collateral damage. Eventually, we reconvene, offer apologies and forgiveness, and walk on. There are always scars, and I pray fervently that the God of restoration will regain what was lost.
All of this is life. Whether it’s cancer or something else, I think everyone can identify with the struggles and battles of making our way in this world.
We’ve come full circle again on this cancer merry-go-round. It won’t be the last lap. And so, I look up, make amends, and trust that I will not be overcome.
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 2 Cor. 5:16-18