Last night, I hit a wall.
Actually, I hit the floor when I tripped over someone’s leg. There was no permanent damage, and it hurt much less than I feared on the way down. The only damage done was to the thin veil over my emotions.
Diagnosis. Surgery. CPAP, Chemo. Frustrations that come with harvest and cattle buying. Constant conflict between certain of my children. My household not running the way I’d like, despite my family’s effort. Inability to be active. Gaining weight due to inactivity. Boredom. Lack of energy. An overtaxed husband who hasn’t been home much.
In one moment, all of my “okayness” went out the window and I burst into tears. I needed to cry. All of these things weigh on me and most days, I do okay, letting God shoulder the load. But I forget that my humanness needs an outlet. Emotion isn’t right or wrong, it just is.
The thing about it is that emotion acts like a shaken bottle of soda. All the different bubbles move and grow and eventually need to come out somewhere. When I loosen the cap gradually and allow bubbles out a little at a time, all is well. When I keep the lid tight, eventually the bottle will explode.
What followed my emotional outburst was a rough night. Sleep was scarce and my fatigued body did not get the rest it needed. That frustration led to another breakdown, around 4 am. I’m tired this morning, but at least partially unburdened.
I’m terrible at allowing myself to express emotion. Somehow, in my mind, being strong and surrendered also means being stoic. My heart knows better. My heart understands that emotion is real and necessary and the expressing of it is healthy for my soul, mind, and body.
And so, it would appear that the next steps of my journey involve allowing myself to not be okay. I need to allow my heart to override my mind and let out what needs to be expressed.
It’s not that I’m afraid I’ll be seen as weak. It’s back to the idea that I don’t want to burden others. It’s back to the feeling that I don’t want others to have to carry my load. It’s back to big, fat, ugly pride.
Most days, I’m really and truly okay. I still know God has a plan and is in control. I am still sold out and surrendered to His plan. However, I need to remember that every day I am still human. I have feelings and hurts and wounds, like everyone else. And showing them is absolutely necessary–for me and those around me. Forgive me, Lord, for my stubborn pride. Show me a better way.