The past year has been a challenge, medically speaking. I’ve had a number of diagnoses, none of them very serious. Well, until the cancer deal. I guess that’s pretty serious.
While no one issue has been particularly alarming, they have all had one thing in common–fatigue. I’ve pretty much spent the last year or so being very, very tired.
I’ve really been very mature about the whole thing, reacting to my limitations in normal fashion. I’ve ignored them. I have just decided, for the most part, to behave as though I’m not tired. This has resulted in me running on adrenaline, doing too much, and crashing. Wash, rinse, repeat.
Then came the cancer diagnosis. My body offered one gigantic adrenaline surge and then shut down. Completely. I spent a week unable to pretend I wasn’t tired. I simply couldn’t get out of bed or off the couch. People started telling me how important rest is now and how vital it will be in the coming months. You can imagine how I received that.
I am a get-things-done kind of girl, and when I found out I’d be having surgery, it couldn’t get scheduled soon enough. Let’s get this show on the road. The call finally came; surgery would be in three weeks. THREE WEEKS?!? Here again, my maturity showed up. It was stellar, believe me. Frustration, despair, you name it. Of course, most of it was inside my own head–we must be an example to the children.
God is not mocked, nor is He fooled. He knows exactly what is going on in my heart and mind, every minute of the day. He knows I am human. He knows what makes me tick and how I process and react. He created me that way.
Now, the three week wait is nearly over. I look back and I see that I needed that time. You see, God has been working on my heart–teaching me to accept His plan. He’s been working on my resting skills. In three days, I will be resting involuntarily, for quite some time. It will go more easily for me now that I am beginning to accept rest as a gift rather than a burden.
While I have felt that rest was doing nothing, it has actually been accomplishing so much in my heart and mind, as well as in my family. I have been learning to rest without guilt; my family has been improving its serve. They have been adjusting to mom not doing everything, and learning to step in to fill the gaps. We’ve been in boot camp, learning the physical drills before the emotional and mental challenges ramp up.
A tough leg of the journey is starting. I don’t feel ready, but I know it’s time for the training wheels to come off, and I’m so grateful to have had them. My Father knows what He is doing, and does it in spite of my feelings. I can rest in that.