Defenses Down

Today will be a tough day. This will be my first Sunday in church since my diagnosis. There are so many people at First Baptist who love me and truly care about my family. I have a pastor who preaches the Word and loves his people. The worship team helps to usher us into the presence of the King. So what’s the problem?

Church is where my defenses come down. Nothing moves my emotions and bares my soul like corporate worship, so I predict I will be a mess. When my friends offer a kind word and a hug, it ruins any bravado I may have had and the waterworks start. I’m sure this is a perfectly healthy and normal way to react, especially given the circumstances, but it’s hard for me.

You see, I’m the caregiver. I’ve fed and cared for a farmer for 23 years. I’ve raised or sheltered children for almost as long. I love and live to see that others have what they need. Not much makes me happier than when people enjoy my food or want to hang around my house.

Now, I’m moving into a place where, for a prolonged period of time, I will be the one who needs to be fed and looked after. I will be vulnerable and needy and I hate that part.

I have learned, in theory, that for every person who wants to wash feet, someone must be willing to let their feet be washed. Now, that head knowledge must make the journey to my heart.

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I'm a homeschool mom and the proud wife of a hard working farmer. We live in the sticks and drive 20 miles to a town of any size. I live to serve the One who saved my soul, and He daily loads me with blessings. I started this blog to share my journey through breast cancer. So far, I have only done a few warm up stretches, and I pray I will remain faithful and be an encouragement to others traveling this road with me. I know this journey will be rough, but I also know it will be perfect, because my God does all things well. I am not afraid.

4 thoughts on “Defenses Down”

  1. My dear sister, so beloved friend. My heart is aching, and yet I am rejoicing in your faith. I don’t want you and your family to have to go through this, but I have never met anyone with so much joie de vivre! It will serve you well as you go through this journey. I am immediately praying for you, your husband and your children. I know that they will be a huge help to you. I’m so grateful that you are blogging. I love you.


  2. Just a note to say how much we know that God does not abandon us in our hard times and I know that he is walking with you each step of the way. It may not feel like it now but in all the struggle we have had we have been able to look back and see the Glory of our Lord in our struggles. My prayer for you is that God will give you the right amount of faith to see you threw this. Now we really do love you. Don and Carol


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